Kisuke's White Day Special
by Fire and Sand
Summary: Urahara Kisuke is insane. We can all agree on that. What does he think of when it comes to Saint White's Day? Only one thing: give a present to Saint White. Last year, it was Jyuushirou. This year, who will he torture with a White Day present?
1. Toushiro

Fire: Hi! Welcome to Kisuke's White Day Special! I'm making an exception for today and loading outside of my usual schedule. Why? Because—

Sasuke: Because it's White Day?

Fire: (smacks Sasuke in the head) Don't interrupt me! And introduce yourself for the people who don't watch Naruto first, Sasuke!

Sasuke: Ore-wa Uchiha Sasuke-des.

Fire: Say it in English for those who don't know Japanese! This is an English fic!

Sasuke: Name-wa Uchiha Sasuke-d—

Fire: (annoyed) I said _English _fic!

Sasuke: Boku-wa Uchiha Sasuke-d—

Fire: (annoyedly ignoring Sasuke) This is Sasuke! He's my cowriter. He writes everything with me…including this fic, even though it's not Naruto.

Shinji: Ahem!

Fire: And here's Hirako Shinji. He helps me with my Bleach fics.

Shinji: Yoroshiku. (bows)

Fire: And to keep things from becoming biased, we also have the creative assistant assigned by the shinigami and Ishida Uryuu.

Renji: I never wanted to help with this stupid—

Uryuu: (pushing up his glasses) Swear and I'll have to shoot you.

Fire: Well, I'm going to stop talking now. I'm sure no one wants to hear any more of my useless talk.

Uryuu: That's so true.

Kisuke: What about me! What about me!

Fire: No one cares. (pulls up the oneshot)

Kisuke: But I'm the star!

Ichigo: _I'm _the star!

Fire: Urusai! They're trying to read! (pastes the story onto the window)

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Legend

It's pretty straightforward in this fic. I'm not writing one unless you absolutely can't figure out what's going on.

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Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Kubo-sensei, but if anyone can find the stocks, I'd like to buy some. All characters were forced to participate under penalty of…I'm just forcing them to do it. No Bleach characters were harmed in the making of this fanfiction…except for Urahara Kisuke.

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Warning: Fire and Fire's cowriters and muses are not responsible for any injuries resulting from reading this fanfic. If you laugh too hard, you were warned. This is humour.

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**Kisuke's White Day Special**

**A Fire Project**

**Oneshot**

**T**he sun was shining. The March air was cool and refreshing. And Urahara Kisuke was walking happily towards the high school with a gigantic bag slung over Tessai's back. There really weren't any correlation among these three things but somehow, Kisuke liked to think there was. The sun was always shining when he was happy, although he was always happy on White Day.

"The second person on the list..." Kisuke said as he looked at the name by the number two. "...is Rukia-san!" ...even though she hadn't given him anything for Valentine's Day.

In fact, no one had given him anything.

Except for Yoruichi.

But a punch in the head didn't count.

"Rukia-san!" Kisuke sang as he pushed his way into the classroom. A wave of bewildered stares fixed themselves on the strange blond man who danced into the room with the next words, "here's your return gift!" And he handed a small white box to the girl. "And one for you." He handed one to Orihime. "And one for you and you." And one for Tatsuki and Rangiku. "And one for you." His hands came out of his pockets with enough presents for the entire female population of the class. And he hadn't even reached into the bag on Tessai's back! "And of course, there's one for you, Ochi-sensei." He beamed widely at the speechless woman. If there were presents for her, she didn't care who was disrupting her class.

"What are you doing here, hentai-ossan!" Ichigo yelled, as annoyance overwhelmed him. He had forgotten that it was White Day, and now everyone was going to expect him to come up with presents he didn't have.

"Daijoubu. Daijoubu! I didn't forget you, Ichigo!" He sang as he pranced up, and handed a present to the orange-haired boy.

The entire class was shocked into silence faster than when "Ichigo" accidentally kissed Tatsuki's hand.

"Uh..." Ichigo threw it out the window. That was too weird for him.

"And I didn't forget you, Renji-chan!" Kisuke handed a green box to the redhead as well. Then, he drew enough green boxes out of his pockets for the entire male population of the classroom. "And of course, a special one for you, Toushiro-kun!" Tessai dumped the sack onto the white-haired boy's desk. "Enjoy!" And Kisuke ran out with Tessai trailing after him.

The classroom was silent.

With curious hands, Toushiro and the rest of the class opened their presents. The humans squealed with happiness when they drew out their gifts, but the shinigami only stared at the pieces of paper in their boxes. While everyone had real gifts, they had...

"A coupon to Urahara Shoten. Half price on any purchase over one hundred thousand yen," Renji read.

"What is this!" Toushiro yelled from his desk. He was the only one with a "special" gift.

Rangiku looked up from her coupon to see the gigantic letters written across a bottle taller than the jyuubantai-taichou. "Miracle gel. Guaranteed to help you grow taller. Money back guarantee?"

"Is he calling me short?" Toushiro fumed, his expression suddenly dark as he leapt out of his gigai and jumped out the window after Kisuke. "I'm going to kill you!"

"Any...purchase?" Rukia thought for a moment before turning to Ichigo. "Since you don't want yours, I want it." She held out her hand. She could buy a lot of Soul Society merchandise with these coupons.

"I threw it out the window."

"And that's Hitsugaya-taichou!"

Ichigo sighed, embarrassed by the activity below his window. He was just glad that everyone was too distracted by the presents in their hands to notice it. And no one noticed Hitsugaya's gigai pressing some of the "miracle gel" into his hands.

**End Oneshot**

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Fire's babbling:

Kisuke: Just call me Santa!

Ichigo: It's March!

Fire: Send me reviews. I guarantee that I'll reply to them. If you don't think this is funny enough, send me your opinion. Flames are welcome. Signed flames are even more welcome. If you flame me with a signed-in flame, I'll read your stories to get a better idea of what you're talking about. (smiles)

Uryuu: You have a problem.

Sasuke: I knew that already.

Renji: Miracle gel?

Toushiro: I'm not short!

Kisuke: (looms over Toushiro) Of course, you're not short!

Fire: Send me reviews! I want to hear your opinion whether they're really long, really short of just a shout of "good job!" I want to hear them! Send them to me! I know you're listening!

Sasuke: I'm closing this window before Fire really gets out of it.

Uryuu: Fire has a lot of mental meltdowns? It seems to happen a lot

Sasuke: (nods) …

Fire: Send me your reviews!

Sasuke: Ja ne! (turns to Renji) We need to get Fire to the yonbantai-taisha. We need Unohana-taichou to take a look. (grabs Fire and runs)

Shinji: Guess it's just the two of us.

Kisuke: (nods with a smile) Want to come back to the shoten?

Shiji: You're not experimenting on me.

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	2. Jyuushirou

Fire: If you decided to place an alert on this story, you'll probably notice that I'll be updating this once a year on Saint White's Day.

Sasuke: You're an idiot.

Fire: This year, our White is―

Shinji: You're saying that I'm never going to get a present?

Fire: ...

Toushiro: You know that's not the kanji used in my name. Why are you doing this?

Jyuushirou: You're spelling my name wrong too.

Fire: --;; Nevermind. Just read the story. Shinji, hand out the oneshots!

Shinji: (sighs and hands the oneshots to the audience) Read them. Don't tell me that they suck. I already know they―

Sasuke: (smacks Shinji in the head and sends the oneshots flying across the internet)

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Note: All spelling is derived from the original raws' furigana of the names and the character books. I don't want people sending messages about how Toushiro's name is spelled "Toushirou" since it has a "u" furigana when you read his name, so it should be "Toushirou" and not "Toushiro" or that Jyuushirou's name should be spelled "Jyushirou," "Jyuushiro," or "Jyushiro" just because it's the majority of what is used on this website. It's my basic policy for names derived from Japanese culture in Japanese settings. With the exception of Toushiro's name which as too many "ou" combinations, making it too awkward to read as "Toushirou" all names are spelled through romanji. Romanization of the names―as intended by the creator as in One Piece―are derived for Western based settings―as is One Piece―and in that case, I will take spelling from the Manga-ka's notes and use their character books for reference. If you need a page from the raws or the character books for proof, I'll send you one, or I can upload it and send you a link.

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Basic Bleach glossary for those who have no idea what these words are but are too lazy to ask me for the master Bleach glossary or to go to the glossary on the profile page:

**Fukutaichou** – composed of fuku (vice, deputy, assistant) and taichou (captain). Vice-captain.

**Genkai** – composed of gen (present, existing, actual) and kai (from seikai meaning world). Literally the real world or the actual world. The world of the living. The living world. The human world.

**Jyuuichi-bantai** – composed of Jyuuichi (jyuu meaning ten and ichi meaning one), ban (numerical sequence indicator) and tai (division). Eleventh division.

**Keigun –** kei (penalty, sentence, punishment) and gun (army, force, groups). Punishment force. One of the two groups under the command of the Gundanchou, the leader of the Onmitsu Kidou. One of the two factions of the Onmitsu Kidou. They bring criminals back to Seireitei and perform the orders of Central 46.

**Seireitei** – if you have no idea where this is, you shouldn't be reading a Bleach fanfic.

**Shiro – **white. A colour. Not the same kanji as in Toushirou and Jyuushirou's names. --;; They made me write that.

**Taichou** – captain.

**Yon-bantai** – composed of Yon (four), ban (numerical sequence indicator) and tai (from division). Fourth division

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**Kisuke's White Day Special**

**A Fire Project**

**Oneshot**

**I**t was a normal day. The sky over Seireitei was clear. Jyuuichi-bantai was running around even though there were no emergencies. Yon-bantai was running after them with first aid kits, just in case. And a large box had fallen out of the sky. Jyuushirou had been walking around with the green box on his head for a while before he realized that it was there.

Anyone else would have noticed that there was a box on his head, but for Jyuushirou—who was too sick to be out of bed in the first place—he didn't noticed through his dull senses.

Normally, he would have looked at the green box and white ribbon, and wondered where Sentarou and Kiyone found such ridiculous wrapping. Normally, he would have set it aside for later, just in case the mysterious box didn't belong to his two eccentric third seats. Normally, he would have looked around for any witnesses before running away with it. But the card tied to the white bow said that it was for Ukitake Jyuushirou, and being Ukitake Jyuushirou, he didn't need to steal it from himself.

Holding the box to his ear, he shook it cautiously, as if he could hear what was inside. But it didn't make a sound, not even a tiny rattle. _'Who would send me a present?'_ He stared at the box for a moment, as if it could answer his question. But no answer came. Finally, unable to contain his curiosity, he reached for the lid.

"No!" Before Jyuushirou could open the box, it vanished from his hands. "Don't open it!" Soi Fong had grabbed it before he could say no. "Anything from that heretic is forbidden!" It could hold something capable of destroying all of Soul Society.

"Heretic?" Jyuushirou had barely looked at the card. _'How does she know who it's from?'_ He was certain that she hadn't seen the words written on that white rectangle of cardboard in the short time she possessed his present.

"I'm confiscating it!" Soi Fong didn't answer his question.

It was at that point that Sentarou and Kiyone decided to appear. "You can't! It's a gift to Ukitake-taichou!" They shouted simultaneously as they ran toward Soi fong, their hands clawing toward the box in her hands.

"Take someone else's present!" Kiyone shouted the words as she snatched the large box from Soi Fong and shoved it into Jyuushirou's hands. "Take it, Ukitake-taichou!"

"No! I wanted to return it to Ukitake-taichou!"

"You're too late!" Kiyone smirked at Sentarou. "Ukitake-taichou definitely likes me more now!"

"No! Ukitake-taichou still likes me more!"

And the shouting began, but all the while, no one—neither Sentarou, Kiyone, nor Soi Fong—noticed Jyuushirou's confused expression. "But why would Urahara Kisuke send me a present?" He knew who Soi Fong meant by heretic. There was only one man that had earned _that_ title.

"A present?" Standing in a high traffic area of Seireitei meant that a lot of people would hear their shouting. Hitsugaya Toushiro was one of the people who happened to be passing by. "That's..." His eyes widened with horror as he recognized the green and white box. "Matsumoto, destroy it!" He and his fukutaichou reached for the box at the same time.

"Destroy it?" Jyuushirou pulled the box away before they could take it away. He had already lost it once. He wasn't going to lose it again.

"It's a White Day present. Destroy it, quickly!" Toushiro would never forget the humiliation of the gift he received the year before.

"But taichou, didn't you use all of—"

"Matsumoto!" Toushiro stopped his fukutaichou before she could say more. "Don't say I didn't warn you," he said ominously as he stared at the hated box. And before Rangiku could say more, he continued down the street back to his office. He had more important things to do. If Ukitake-taichou wanted to destroy himself, it was his own decision.

"It's contraband," Soi Fong continued, as if the young captain hadn't interrupted at all.

"White Day?" Jyuushirou ignored her, his feet subconsciously moving him away as he mused. "I seem to remember something about it," he mumbled as Sentarou and Kiyone continued shouting around him.

"I said hand it over!" Soi Fong said, signalling the keigun to surround Jyuushirou.

"Soi Fong-taichou, didn't you give Yoruichi-senpai a Valentine's gift?" The question came suddenly, causing the woman to trip before she could steal the box away. "Are you jealous because Urahara sent me this gift and you have nothing?" Jyuushirou neglected to mention that he hadn't sent Urahara a Valentine's gift. He barely remembered any of the Genkai holidays from the numerous reports they received everyday. It was a miracle that he remembered it now.

"N-no," Soi Fong said bluntly to Jyuushirou, even though she was lying...a little.

"Well, I'm definitely not giving it to you." Jyuushirou had already decided. He wanted to know what it was.

He ripped the lid from the box.

"Wait!" Soi Fong gestured for the keigun to stop him. Urahara Kisuke was insane. It could be anything. It could be a bomb. It could contain bio-hazardous material. He could have anything in there!

But it was too late. The lid fell to the ground with a soft thud and Ukitake Jyuushirou was standing deathly still, even as the keigun pulled the box from his hands.

"What is it!" Soi Fong pushed her way through the crowd until she came to the frozen taichou. One of her subordinates thrust the box into her hands.

"A...a coupon?" Jyuushirou managed to utter as the paper fell from his hand.

The rest of the box contained a large white box with a card from Shihouin Yoruichi saying, "To Soi Fong, Thank you for the present."

**End Oneshot**

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Moral of the Story:

A gift is not necessarily a good thing. Don't accept anything from people you don't know or don't know well, or anyone as eccentric as Urahara Kisuke. Next time, it _could_ be a bomb, or poison, or a coupon for his store that you can't use unless there's a minimum purchase of one hundred thousand yen or more. --;;

Fire's English tidbits for those who care:

As everyone knows, fanfiction is an artistic expression based on a fandom. Since it's not a piece of legal or business writing, the words "same" and "said" shouldn't be used as substitutes for "this," "that," and "the." For example, "Ukitake Jyuushirou received a present, but said box contained a present for Soi Fong," is too formal and incorrect outside the spheres of business―ie. formal―writing. To correct it "Ukitake Jyuushirou received a present, but that box contained a present for Soi Fong," or "...but the box contained a present for Soi Fong," would be better.

Fire's babbling:

Jyuushirou: (still frozen in the background) ...

Sentarou and Kiyone: (simultaneously) Taichou! Taichou, snap out of it! The story ended already!

Fire: What did Yoruichi-san give you, Soi Fong?

Soi Fong: (staring at the present) A cat―

Sasuke: Do I care?

Soi Fong: (angry) As I said―

Sasuke: We don't care.

Fire: I want to know!

Shinji: (still unconscious from Sasuke's smack at the top of this page) ...

Sasuke: ...

Jyuushirou: (still frozen in shock) A coupon...

Toushiro: I told you not to open it.

Jyuushirou: (unmoving) Why a coupon?

Kisuke: I gave them to everyone! (happy smile)

Soi Fong: It's a cat―

Fire: I can't hear what Soi Fong is saying!

Yoruichi: It's a framed picture of me.

Soi Fong: (depressed) A cat's picture.

Fire: ...

Sasuke: Like I said, we don't care.

Fire: Well, see you next year! I put up the moral of the story for those who won't be reading every year or aren't interested. I forgot to put it up in the first oneshot. It's the same for all of them, so don't think too much on it. Ja!

Shinji: (finally waking up) Hey! Wait! I didn't say anything yet!

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	3. Byakuya

Fire: Another year, another White Day! Hi everyone!

Kisuke: This year, I'm sending a special present to Byakuya. (smiling behind his fan) It's a very good present.

Toushiro: (irritated) As good as miracle gel?

Jyuushirou: (equally irritated) Or a coupon?

Kisuke: Better. (bigger smile)

Toushiro: And you know that my name is spelled with "shi" meaning four, and "ro" meaning six, right?

Jyuushirou: Mine too.

Kisuke: That's why I'm sending it to someone with "haku" meaning white in his name this year!

Fire: That made no sense. (sighs) Why are you still reading this?

Kisuke: Because I'm here!

Fire: That's ridiculous! You're too insane to be interesting.

Kisuke: That's mean. (fake cry)

Fire: It says "fake!"

Shinji: I'm still here! Hey! Did you forget that I'm still here?

Fire: Then why aren't you handing out the story yet? (pushes Shinji to work)

Shinji: I want to join the conversation too. (sobs as he hands out the oneshot)

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Reminder: the verb "to shunpo" and all conjugations, ie. I shunpo, you shunpo, shunpo-ing, shunpo-ed, etc belongs to Fire no Kumo. If you want to use the verb, please ask for permission so I can send a list of all conjugations first.

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Reminder: Bleach terms are not in the glossary on my userpage, so if you're confused, you can consult a Bleach fansite, look it up, or ask me to send you a copy of my Bleach encyclopedia. It's too big to post up.

**---------------------------**

More glossary words for those who don't want to ask:

**Dosu –** a side-arm type of knife usually carried everywhere. Remember those racks where you see katana displayed? The longest one is the katana, the sword used in battle. The middle one is the wakizashi, the sword used in the home, where it is inappropriate to wear your katana. The shortest one is the dosu, the sword or knife for common everyday use. Think of it as a pencil or pen. You'd carry it around as if it was nothing.

**Jyuubantai – **tenth division

**Rokubantai – **sixth division

**Rokubantai-taisha –** sixth division office

**Ubandou – **the main district of Seireitei governed by the thirteenth division. This is where the office of the Thirteenth Division and all related buildings are located.

**---------------------------**

**Kisuke's White Day Special**

**A Fire Project**

**Oneshot**

**U**sually, the rokubantai's main office was a quiet and forgotten place. Usually, Byakuya had the luxury of completing his work without interruption. That was because usually, everyone gathered in the smaller office occupied by his—strangely enough—more popular fukutaichou. Of course, that was why Byakuya insisted that Renji worked somewhere far, _far_ away from him. If it was an office like any other—where his fukutaichou had to work in the same place—Byakuya would never finish any work.

But today was different. That morning, Renji had come running urgently into his office, shouting nonsense that Byakuya couldn't understand, so the shinigami taichou didn't listen. Then, the redhead ran out. It was at that moment, that Byakuya knew he couldn't stay in the office. If he didn't leave, his fukutaichou would surely return with more worthless words. Renji had done it often enough for him to predict the pattern.

And that was how he ran into the white and green striped box.

Strangely, it was addressed to him. That was why he kept it. If it was just an ordinary box, Byakuya would have had no reason to take it, even though the deliveryman had already proclaimed, "Delivery for Kuchiki Byakuya." He even had to sign for it.

In the middle of the street.

In the middle of a crowd.

Where no one should have been able to find him.

Byakuya was very frustrated. Whoever had sent him this box hadn't really thought through the process properly. An ordinary person would probably have had more common sense than to send a deliveryman running after him, just to give him this...this...this tiny box.

He was very confused.

"K-K-Kuchiki-taichou! What are you doing here!" Byakuya glanced at the white-haired boy. "That's..." After looking closer, Hitsugaya shouted, "It's a White Day present!"

_'White Day?'_ Byakuya had never heard of such a day before. _'What is White Day?'_

"We have to get rid of it!" Hitsugaya turned to grab the box from the rokubantai taichou, but when he turned, Byakuya was already gone. The shinigami had kept walking! Irritated, the jyuubantai taichou crossed his arms before mumbling, "Chikusho, I don't care if you get growth gel!"

Of course, Byakuya didn't hear a word Hitsugaya said. He was more preoccupied with the strange package.

In fact, he was so lost in thought that he didn't realize someone was shouting to him until a hand reached out and stopped him. "Kuchiki-taichou, didn't you hear me?" Ukitake looked paler than usual, but that was because he had been running. "Everyone has been searching everywhere for you!" His ragged words rasped urgently, "You've received something?" Hitsugaya had sent a jigoku-cho to everyone about it. They were all told to keep an eye out for the strange packages sent from Urahara Kisuke since no one had any idea how he was sending them into Soul Society, but Byakuya didn't tell anyone about the gift he had received.

"Yes. It's very mysterious." Byakuya had no idea where it came from.

"There's a card!" Ukitake said as he turned the box over. That crazy ex-shinigami had taped it to the bottom of the box. Of course Byakuya didn't see it! "It's from Urahara Kisuke." He didn't have to read it to know. He had received that same horrible present a year ago. He still hadn't recovered from the shock of...of... Ukitake paled unnaturally. "A coupon... It's a coupon," he mumbled to himself as the moments of that day passed through his mind once more.

"Ukitake-taichou!" Sentarou shouted as he ran up.

"Ukitake-taichou!" Kiyone shouted as she pushed Sentarou out of her way. "It's that box!"

"We need to destroy that box!" But as Sentarou turned toward Byakuya, the long-haired shinigami had already walked on. "Ukitake-taichou, the box is gone!"

"The box is gone! Wake up, Ukitake-taichou!" Even as they tried to snap him out of it, Ukitake was still mumbling to himself.

But no one needed to tell Byakuya to destroy the gift, he was already thinking about it. Anything from Urahara Kisuke was bad. He wasn't going to open something so pointlessly ominous. _'I should just burn it.'_ He handed it to the servants as soon as he returned home. "Burn it." He had no doubt in his mind that it would be destroyed immediately.

**I**t had been a long day, so Rukia was tired when she arrived at the Kuchiki residence. She had told herself that she should return to Ubandou, but her tired body refused to listen. Even though it was awkward to come into her brother's home without reason, Rukia just couldn't find the strength to go any further. She pulled herself through the front door and dragged herself inside.

That was when she heard the soft voices of the servants coming from the central garden.

"How wasteful," the serving girl sighed as she fanned the fire. "It's wrapped so nicely." They had argued over whether to destroy it or not, but after discussing it for so many hours, they decided that it was better to obey their master's orders.

"But I'm relieved that we're burning it. It's," the second girl shivered at the thought, "so creepy. The name on the card says—"

"Nii-sama received a present?" Rukia fanned the flames from the other side of the fire. "From who?" She asked who it was from even though she was more curious to know why he wanted to burn it. "Can I have it?"

"Rukia-sama!" The girls shouted simultaneously.

"Well, can I have it?"

That was how the box landed in Rukia's hands.

She didn't notice the card.

But she _did _open the box.

**B**yakuya had been trying to sleep for a while. He had to wake early the next day so that he could arrive early, and have more time to punish Renji. There was an order to report any strange packages and destroy them, but his fukutaichou hadn't told him anything! _'I should demote him,'_ although it seemed too drastic a punishment.

He turned again in his futon. His mind was too full of ways to rid himself of such a moronic fukutaichou to allow him to sleep. But that was how he was able to hear the shout coming from the furthest reaches of the Kuchiki residence. "Waah!" The voice was unmistakeably Rukia's. He shunpo-ed immediately to Rukia's room, but even with shunpo, his sister's room was far away. It still took several moments to arrive.

But he threw open the door in time to see an effigy of Rukia spring out of the tiny box and crush her. "Help!" Rukia shouted as she tried to push it off, but it was so malleable that it was impossible to move. It was like a bag of water. The more she tried to push it off, the more it suffocated her.

Byakuya poked it with his dosu before Rukia could suffocate, but it was full of a mysterious liquid that ate through the skin of the effigy, melting it away before either sibling could examine it closely.

"Urahara! He tried to kill me!" Rukia couldn't believe that the crazy shinigami could give something like _that_ to her brother!

But Byakuya was more interested in the note fluttering down from the air than in his sister's angry shouting. _'Congratulations! This is my newest invention. I've researched Hisana-san enough to reproduce her! No need to thank me!'_

Byakuya crumpled the note in his hands. _'It doesn't resemble Hisana at all.'_ He had thought that it was Rukia.

**End Oneshot**

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Fire's babbling:

Fire: Okay, here's my thought process on this oneshot, just in case anyone is wondering why the effigy doesn't look like Hisana.

Kisuke: I've never met her.

Fire: How do I know? Well, the evidence says so! First, Soi Fong has mentioned that Yoruichi has been missing from Soul Society for one hundred years. Since Yoruichi has been missing for a hundred years, and she ran away because she was convicted of helping Kisuke escape from Soul Society, that means that Kisuke has also been away from Soul Society for a hundred years. If Byakuya has only found Rukia forty years ago, a year after Hisana died, that means that Hisana died forty-one years ago. Add the three years that she was married to Byakuya and you get forty-four years ago. In other words, she was only brought into Seireitei forty-four years ago, an entire fifty-six years after Kisuke has left Soul Society. In other words, even if she has met the captain of the twelfth division before, it was probably Mayuri, and not Kisuke.

Kisuke: Long.

Rukia: (jumps onto Kisuke and proceeds to punch him) You tried to kill me! You tried to kill me!

Kisuke: Waah! I'm being attacked!

Fire: That's obvious.

Rukia: You tried to kill me!

Kisuke: I didn't! That present was meant for Kuchiki—

Rukia: You tried to kill Nii-sama! You tried to kill Nii-sama!

Kisuke: (sighs) I just can't win.

Fire: I know this oneshot wasn't as funny as last year's oneshot. If you have any other comments, please review and send them to me. I want to know everything! You hate it? You loved it? Do you _really_ have to keep reading this? Just send me a review already!

Sasuke: You started the story without your co-writer?

Uryuu: (pushing up glasses) We don't need you as long as I'm here.

Sasuke: That's why this year wasn't funny!

Fire: (ignoring Sasuke) See you all next year!

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End file.
